Those poor kids...Updated

We all know at least one. One truly honest to god bad parent. The one that is selfish, unsanitary and embarrassing. They know what they are and that is what makes them so terrible. They refuse to change, “not for anyone” they say. Anyone? Not even your kids? The innocent lives that didn’t ask you to get knocked up and drag them into this world, lungs full of your smoke. Certainly not just so you could trap a man into marriage, a life of lies and unhappiness. That is not a reason to make a life. Perhaps to a girl who is immature and desperate to keep a guy she doesn’t really know but has convinced herself is “the one.”

It is not all her fault, most times she comes from a line of users and abusers. Users/Abusers of drugs. Users/Abusers of alcohol. Users/Abusers of the government. Often times all the above an so it is in this case. It is genetically engrained in her to be a user and to make more users. When and where will the chain end? With this girls children or five generations from now? For most of these bad parents it is easy to turn the cheek. You see them at the zoo, the mall, the grocery store and you keep walking. The question posed today is...What about the ones you care about? The babies you know and love.

Do you say the truth? Do you let them know they are horrid parents and are feeding a vicious, monstrous circle. Do you give small subtle hints? Do you bite your tongue until it bleeds, hoping that they will see the sins and correct them? I have now, as of today tried each of these and feel I should share my experience with you the reader. Perhaps my insights will help you in a similar situation.

Subtle hints I have found do not work! They yield ongoing excuses from the bad parent justifying the actions or neglect. They will show in actions that they continue on ruining the lives of their children while telling you how much they have changed. Resulting in mounting irritation and tension between hinter and hintee. I would shy away from this option. Which leaves the direct approach or the passive.

If you bite your tongue in hopes that they will become wise to their ways, you will lose your tongue and have to find something else to bite. This will never happen, they will not change without being faced with the truth. Does that truth have to be your child actually falling out of that second story window to her death while you play farmville? Does it have to be them growing up to be a druggy, alcoholic on welfare? Or can you hear the words of friends and family and change your ways, for their future? Which brings us to the last option.

Telling the bad parent...You are a bad parent. Today I couldn’t stand the tension, the hints, the pain from slowly amputating my own tongue any longer. I let it all out. I said the truths that have haunted me since the first of two were born. You are a bad mom. You are manipulative. You are a compulsive liar. You are verbally and sometimes physically abusive to your infants. You are neglectful of them and let them live in utter disgust. You spend more time complaining of their existence then caring for them lovingly. It is heartbreaking to see. It is wrong. I said it to her and.....

It did no good. Defenses took over, they used the same old threat as always...when someone tries to speak up....”you cant see my kids!” It is not that they cannot change but will not look into themselves and change for their babies. They will not admit to the world they are wrong. If they did that would take work. Work that they are too lazy to do. So instead they get very angry and try to discredit you or say it is none of your business.

It is my business in two ways. One: I love them. I care about them. When you leave them in my care, under my responsibility you are saying. “I trust your judgement, I trust that you know what is best for my kids” If you don’t then you should not be leaving them with me. Therefore you should trust my judgement when I say you are doing things very wrong. I say this only because I care about you and them. I want the best for each of you.

Two: It is my business as a citizen of this world. If you bring a child into this world(two in this case) they are my problem. If one becomes a terrorist my life is at stake. If they grow up to suckle at the govt teat I have to pay for them to live. The person you are raising today will vote tomorrow. Their vote could change MY world. Every child born effects everyone in this world not just you! If you are going to have one raise it right. Love it. Feed it. Clean it. Teach it. Your life is not just about you anymore it is about them!

Your family is your judge and jury. They are there to love you, support you AND hold you accountable. If you are wrong they should be the ones to tell you and you should listen. They know you best. As parents no one is perfect, as humans no one is perfect, This I understand completely. The point is not to be a perfect parent but to put your whole heart, your whole life into doing the best you can do. That is all anyone can ask for and all your children need from you.

In conclusion if I could do it again, I would have said the truth sooner. If I never get to see them again and she is better to them then so be it. Them having a happy childhood, them growing up to be good productive people, them living long healthy lives. That is why I say the hard things, the things people only say behind your back. For them.

UPDATE: To clarify I know several parents that have things very skewed. If you take this blog to mean you then i'd say you feel that you apply to the points and should work that out :)